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Memories

April 2006
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Credits

Designer: lil.queens
Picture: selfhaircuts | yayu
Background: lazee:D
Host: photobucket | imageshack

the story shall not be continued.. i wish i can throw it high and far that there's no way for me to retrieve it back..


it has come to an end.. an ending that i didn't expect to end so fast.. losers of the passerby..


i'm a mental patient 2


left


thanks


i'm lost in an unknown place


went st james power station last night.. it's power house actually.. went with honey, her mum and her mum's colleagues and the colleague's daughter and her boyfriend.. it's my first time there and was so surprised to see rachel and her friends.. followed her and we went to dance.. it was so fun man.. OMG!! so high but i realised dancing with my heels is just so tedious.. still, i had fun yesterday.. haha.. drank a little and jing long came after that.. went to the dance floor again and went off at 4 plus in the morning.. cabbed to honey's house to stay over.. honey slept earlier than me and bro cause she was too tired already.. so left me and bro fooling around in the room.. haha.. so high la.. went to disturb aunty elma early in the morning when she was doing the laundry.. haha.. both of us slept at 6 or 7 plus in the morning but we still woke up earlier than honey.. guess she was really too tired.. but we managed to wake her up and aunty elma bought lunch for us.. she's so cute and nice lohz.. ate and talked in the room and home we go.. wanted to go sing k after that but cause both me and honey were too tired, so we decided to go another day.. while bro gonna go celebrate his mum's birthday.. went to meet mum and da yi for dinner.. shopped around northpoint and bought my cardigan and some stationeries.. after that, went home and meet rose at the bus stop to pass her some stuffs.. just reached home and i feel so tired.. tuition at 11am tomorrow =(


i guess, maybe revealing who i am was a great mistake.. cause myself to feel so uncomfortable at times.. sensitive questions just made me feel so sensitive..
a great disappointment.. i felt so unexpected and yet others expected it.. oh man!!


seriously i miss you.. hadn't been seeing you for days and couldn't meet you on tuesday just made me so guilty.. i'm sorry.. also can't meet you on this coming weekends, hope that we can meet up asap..

perhaps i'm just hoping for a miracle..


went to ikea with bro and cous shan today.. OMG!! we had so much fun can.. took so many photos and i finally finished editing them!! haha.. i love those pictures sia!! yeah!! bought quite a lot today and i spent 70bucks in total.. haha.. mummy almost killed me but it's counted as quite cheap already, as in i bought so much and they cost only 70bucks.. i'm just super happy today.. bro and shan, let's go out some day again soon okie.. let's get yi hua along too, she missed the day with us today.. haha..


had a long day out today.. went to chinatown with mummy to shop for sis's wedding stuffs, we bought so many stuffs and seriously i can't wait to see my sis putting on wedding gowns on the 8th June 2007.. and i am really excitedly awaiting to go to holland for holiday man!! wohooo!!! haha.. took bus 54 and the bus was so cool la, it was like a restaurant like that, all the seats are arranged horizontally.. got rotating chair somemore sia.. wonderful leh.. haha.. so we took some pictures and i like the way mummy took.. she's so cute can.. haha.. after that, went to j8 to buy my earpiece for mp3.. headed home, had my dinner and went for a hair cut at k-two.. actually i only trimmed a bit only, gonna go back for 2nd haircut during mid of may before i go to holland.. the service was quite good and the person didn't spoil my hairstyle.. hoho!! after that, went to amk hub to buy the orange fbt pants, but couldn't find it and i bought an orange t-shirt instead.. i like can!! muahahaha.. was not in the mood to go home yet and so i went to honey's house again.. rot till 11.30pm and home i go.. just reached home and yeah, i'm gonna meet cous shan again tml.. we are going to ikea, bro(jing long) is coming and maybe honey is joining us too.. i'm so excited about tml can.. gonna bring cam and i'm gonna take loads of pictures with them tml.. especially with cous, we always didn't take pictures de, so must take with her tml so that i can play with photoshop again!! hehe..


i found a precious long time ago yet i didn't cherish in the past.. it was until a point of time then i realised that her presence is as important to me too.. we used to have lots of conflicts and misunderstandings but she never hurts me deeply.. there was a time when both of us thought that we couldn't salvage our friendship anymore and almost end it just like that.. it could be me who didn't put in so much effort for our friendship at that time that caused such major thing to happen.. i felt so disgusted by my act when i thought of what i had done to her in the past.. i had upset her for countless times.. but she never gives up on me and is always trying so hard to bring the 2 of us closer each time.. she never fails to make me smile and she can always cheer me up so well everytime.. those promises she gave to me had never been broken.. so one day, i realised this precious hasn't left me yet and she's always present even after so long.. therefore i've decided to really cherish this precious from now on, cause finding a someone like her is gonna be real tough.. and i suppose that i don't need a second someone like her anymore.. there was once she told me she wished she can also affect me that strongly.. but never do you know that you did.. perhaps i have never tell you how much you meant to me.. but after we've been through so much, i'll prove it to you.. a bestie, a precious that i will treasure.. thanks HON!! =D


went to cous's house last night.. OMG!! went up to watch tv while waiting for her to bath then we went down for supper.. cause we were super hungry la.. after that, went into cheers and we spent 10bucks each.. for the sake of our mini-lollipops and other stuffs.. then we rot at void deck near her house and we kept on seeing those ulu ulu ah peis la.. OMG!! there was 1 whom we first saw and he was like a sicko can.. scared daoOoOO!! so i suggested to leave that place and we went to the playground.. ate our chips and stayed down there till 1 plus and we left cause we saw another weirdo.. sai lohz.. it's my first time rotting at the void deck in yishun and we met so many weirdos.. went back home, watched tv, read magazine and called honey once she replied my message.. then stayed up the whole night just to get her cheer up card done.. my noisyness cause shan's irritant.. hehe.. then cous was also involved in the mission but we both did by ourselves and gave to different people.. couldn't sleep and only knock out at 7 plus in the morning.. that miss jo still say wanna meet us.. eeek!! she lied.. end up we met in the afternoon when i woke up.. was super sleepy and it's my first time that i couldn't get out of bed lohz.. went down to meet jo and her parents for lunch at kahtib.. took bus home and went out again after hanging up with bro and hon.. just came back home and finally showered!! OMG!! i smell so nice can.. hehe..


had my first lesson of physics tuition today.. hmmm, her lesson was quite interesting and she's very patient with me too.. haha.. so glad and blessed to have those 2 teachers to teach me.. yeah!! only have 1 tuition for this week.. another teacher of mine is not free as she gonna prepare for her final exams for next week.. yeah!! free from lessons during this weekend..


i need some attention!!!!! grrRRrRrrr!!!!


oh ya, went online and it reminded me something.. was talking to ah toon yesterday when i was online.. now then i realised he's 18 too.. haha.. had always thought that he's only 16 or 17.. he said something real interesting, he said, i look like chen yi.. the singer chen yi.. hmmm.. i wonder was that a compliment or what.. haha..


tuesday, 17th may 2007
went to junction 8 to meet honey.. accompanied her to buy her laptop soft case and we walked around.. we were quite crazy over the mini lollipods which we were collecting.. gave her one yesterday and we went all the way down to amk central cheers just to buy 4 packets of the chips and we got 2 each.. like crazy like that.. jing long was with us too.. so we sat at amk hub and 3 of us bought a cup of bubble tea and we went to sit outside amk hub and took some pictures.. after that, we sent honey home, went up to her house and played games.. we were just laughing throughout the whole day.. haha.. after that, me and bro cabbed home.. went online to play with those pictures we took using photoshop.. put them into my phone and went to lie on bed.. was feeling quite sleepy but just couldn't sleep.. shux man!! only managed to fall asleep at around 5 in the morning i think..
wednesday, 18th may 2007
mum woke me up at 1 plus to get me to go to amk central again to shop for sis's wedding stuffs.. actually i was already awake due to aaron and jing long la.. they pranked aaron la.. wa piang.. it was sort of a lame story.. =(
went to bath and went to amk central with mummy.. had a bet with mummy few days ago and she lost the bet, therefore she treat me to McDonalds.. haha.. went to amk hub, bought a couple lab necklace with pendent.. quite like it.. cause they are all black.. haha.. but it was quite expensive, thanks mummy!! went to get a small present for sis and vincent for their wedding present.. haha.. then went to get 2 more packets of chips just because of the mini lollipods again.. had 6 packets at my house already and i haven't even eat a single one.. i've collected 7 in total.. left 7 more to go.. actually had 8, but i gave 1 to honey and 2 packets of chips were left at her house yesterday.. hanged all 7 of them including 2 dice on my phone.. so nice can.. but it was quite heavy.. but... i like them... so cute!!!! haha..


what's meant to be are meant to be..
i wish i can be brainwashed.. haha..
come on, show me what are you capable of..
i'll be awaiting..
i'm just so bored, just ignore this entry.. =)


nothing much had happened for the past few days.. just stayed at home and was doing my revision yesterday.. i'm so guai can.. haha.. today, was sort of slack cause not in the mood to do anything yet.. but gonna do my revision later.. i've found a physics tuition teacher.. starting my 1st lesson with her on this coming friday.. =) may everything be fine.. may things pass faster..


OMG!! i was so shocked that there was indeed a lao zhar bor's blog sia.. super stylo milo can.. the old lady was indeed the one who acted for a few local movies directed by jack neo sia.. i was damn impressed by her english.. she can write really well and i can totally understand what was she writing.. she's really cool man!! reading her blog just makes me laugh.. don't know why.. especially the video about her singing rap.. so cute!! OMG!! she's really cool.. best ah!! wonderful!!!


only managed to study a little bit today.. revised my physics and maths.. i wasn't really successful by sitting down for 3 hours per subject.. couldn't really concentrate.. die.. i had a sense of guilt in me now.. =( after that, went down to tgcc to meet them.. rot till 10 plus and home i went.. tml will going down to kovan to collect the maths tys which i've ordered.. i'm so lazy to go initially but luckily daddy is driving me there.. yeah!! can save quite a lot of time and trouble.. haha.. may be gonna go to serene's house to take those notes..


went to meet jing long and javier just now.. in the evening went to meet hui min and jia jia.. had our dinner and went to rot till now then reached home.. then wei shan came to meet us.. she's staying over at my house.. muahahaha!! we can enjoy ourselves in my brother's room le.. haha.. yeah!! but she's going off in the morning the next day.. =( so sad!! but nvm.. at least we can rot and talk as loud and as carefree as we like.. hehe..


maybe you tend to forget everything which we had done before.. went to j8 with honey and brother just now.. rot at coffeebean, laughed and took photos.. so fun!! =) after that went to meet jia, yao guai and van just now.. reached home, washed up and was on the phone with jetaime.. just hanged up quite some time ago.. haha.. thanks jetaime!! =) stay as happy like how you're now..
found this poster at j8 when i was accompanying honey doing her nails just now.. find it so meaning cause the poster reads PERSEVERANCE!! haha..
defeat may test you.. it need not stop you.. if at first you don't succeed, try another way.. for every obstacles there is a solution.. nothing in the world can take the place of persistence.. the greatest mistake is giving up..
what a wonderful poster eh!!!


i thought everything seem to be alright now.. but i realised, i ain't alright at all.. i thought i can still be as strong as how i am in the past.. it's only an i thought.. things seem to go back to the square one.. i'm really sick and tired.. this can just shag me out almost totally.. maybe what one said was right, it's time to let go.. what i see weren't what i want.. what i want, weren't what it can be.. i think i'm just expecting too much.. hoping for too much.. caring for too much.. i can just do things according to how it is like, but i chose to do it up to the perfect.. as a result, i'm defeated.. i lost.. i need not do anymore what i had all along been doing.. cause i had been substituted..





went to continue chatting with mei ning(yao guai) just now.. haiz.. now then i realised that we have quite a lot in common.. like we said, mei ge ren dou ba wo men dang pi.. haiz.. whether it's friends or whoever.. but it's especially friends we think.. like our life is so pathetic la.. everyone just treat us as pi, especially things we had said.. january babies are indeed january babies.. so ke lian can.. what jing long's mother said was right.. zo lang ham ham ah.. meaning we must kan kai yi dian..
arhHhhhHhhH!!! i seem to be exploding again.. shit!!!!
is it that interesting to treat our words as pi.. or even we treat people good, we also kenna treat as pi.. what's wrong heh?? i really don't get it eh.. treat people good, they treat us as pi.. treat them bad, they treat us more as pi..


hmmm.. how should i say it.. everything is ok at the moment now.. i'm ok, she ok and you're ok too.. maybe that problem should just leave it to the last ba.. it can't be solved but we can just ignore it.. at least the 3 of us will be happier from today onwards.. perhaps, i'm too rash to think of so much.. since everything is peaceful now.. so we should be happy.. just like that.. yup yup yup!! =)
sorry if i worried friends who came to read my blog for the past few days.. i had been feeling so down and just totally lost control of myself.. don't worry for me okie.. things are ok now.. i pray hard that nothing's gonna turn bad for the moment..


i just wanna leave..
stay out from everything..
i need the trust..
i need the sense of security..
i need the real self..
i need a place to hide where no one can locate me..
i need a shoulder..
i need to rant..
i need to pour out my feelings..
i need to know everything..
i know i can't just stay out..
i know my eyesight just couldn't leave for even just a single second..
i know there's nothing i can do..
i know everything just hurts..
i hate to smile..
i hate to hide my feelings..
it's a matter of everything now..
i'm dumb..
i'm an idiot..
i'm a bitch..
i'm not wrong..
i can't be alone cause i'll just start thinking thinking and thinking..
but i don't need a company either, cause it'll only add my worries to others..
but i still need someone, just to accompany me..
how can i just put everything to an end..
how can i learn to forgive and forget..
how can i look on the positive side..
how can i stop tearing..
how can i stand strong..
how can i focus on other stuffs..
how can i hang on there..
how can i speak up..
how can i ignore..
how can i pull back..
how can i turn back the time..
how can i save myself..
how can i walk out of this fucking shit..


lies lies lies
secret secret secret
hate hate hate
fuck up fuck off fuck!!!


i need you!!


it's just another miserable day.. my life is screwed up.. i can't think calmly anymore.. can i just kill myself.. who can be my saviour???????????????????


i hate myself for being so temperamental at times.. i hate myself for being so emotional at times.. i hate the kinda of treatment i get from others.. my life seem to be full of hatred.. what's wrong with me!!


my life has been strongly affected.. don't know how am i going to stand strong anymore..


games over.. i think i'm defeated..


to be simple, i just have no sense of security at all.. not at all.. what should i do?


i wished that things got better and i hope i weren't the one who messed everything up.. i don't want to.. i don't wanna anyone to breakdown.. i don't wanna anyone to be unhappy.. all i need was time.. i gotta say this again.. i really need sometime to overcome this problem.. i don't wish to avoid cause it's really awkward.. but.. i'm really trying my best already.. i thought you had something to tell me when i was down just now.. but you too, didn't speak up.. instead we just kept quiet towards each other.. i thought you would start the talking but i don't know why did you chose to keep quiet like i do.. i don't hate you but i just don't know how to face you nor this problem.. i know you treasure the friendship between you and me.. i do too.. perhaps i was to harsh towards you.. i don't know how to say sorry nor do i know how to start talking to you and treat as if nothing had happened before.. but i had already take the initiative to text you something.. take good care of yourself..



i didn't feel better after coming back.. instead, i felt even worst.. i have too much to worry about.. just wanna coop myself up.. cause i don't wanna see things get from bad to worst..


maybe it's my retribution about the lying thing.. i lied before and so here comes my retribution.. i really can't believe it that you lied to me because of that someone.. just what's wrong.. i don't know.. i feel so terrible that i'm almost suffocating.. i don't know why, it really hurts me a lot.. i don't wish to think about it but i can't imagine that this had happened..
now then i realised, there's no such thing as white lie.. cause whether you lied because you don't wanna someone to be unhappy or you purposely lied, lying still hurts people.. one tends to get angry over it or even cried.. i had enough about what had been happening recently.. i don't wanna cry over all these stuffs.. but.. i just can't stop thinking about them whenever i'm all by myself.. it's already in the evening, i haven't even received a single message which i'm waiting for.. woke up, postpone today's tuition.. went to sinseh, back home, almost getting ready for dinner.. maybe i'm just to foolish to wait and wait and wait.. maybe all that i'm waiting are nothing at all..
i see the difference..


had been out since 28th mar till 30th mar.. went to so many places, had so much fun.. haha.. then from 30th mar till 3rd april, had been together with bao bei.. it's the first time she can stay over at my house for so many days.. actually she's supposed to go camp de, but she ended up coming over to my house.. haha.. we had so much fun every night.. stayed up till v late, played games, watch vcd, talk and etc.. woke up, went to meet our friends, sat at nearby block, chat, play and home we go.. our life is amk, amk and just amk.. haha.. just so fun and enjoying can..
until today, went to meet honey but end up we went off early and i went to meet bao bei, joa, irish, connie and jia.. while she went to meet ky.. went for dinner, sat at our lao di fang.. mei ning came after that.. talk, fooled around as usual.. then went home.. actually gonna meet bao bei tml to catch mr bean's holiday.. but maybe not meeting le.. she may be going to her grandma house.. =( nvm, still got some time to meet up with her before her school starts..
i'm starting my revision soon too..


if loving you is wrong, i chose not to be right..
if loving you is a crime, i would rather be shot..
my world can be as big as it can occupy your heart..
but it can also be as small as there's only space for your heart..
the way i like you cannot express the secret of sincerity..
i wasn't sure of what you treat me as with the way you look at me each time..
if you are ever on the weak side,
i'll always be the one to protect you, care for you and provide you with all i can..
i wish everything can just continue like this..
as i already couldn't differentiate between the rights and wrongs..


i'm sorry if i hindered you.. i don't mean it but seriously everytime whenever i see the difference in you.. i just totally lost control in myself.. i don't know what exactly are you thinknig about.. but i'm simply just so afraid of losing you.. i wish you can forgive me for what i'd done.. it's just so foolish of me to behave in this way, but my feelings just don't follow what i'm trying to do.. i don't wanna upset anyone nor hurt anyone due to my behaviour and reaction.. i know it's really foolish and childish of me to behave and react like that.. sorry may not help, but hiding from it doesn't help too.. i really don't know what can i do to stop myself from doing those stuffs.. but time and again, i'm just repeating the same mistake.. there are times when i thought i could just let things be and just forget about it.. i even thought i should just... right in my heart, i still can't.. i'm selfish but i can't chose not to be like that.. i think i gonna admit it and just stop lying to myself.. i wish it wasn't true.. in facat, it's just so factual that i myself also can't explain nor deny anymore.. it should just be kept as an everlasting secret cause if it ever leaks, changes will happen and i just can't bear the consequences.. but me myself also don't wanna live in the dark and it can just be so frightening..